Reporting On G-d

There is nothing in the world more grievous than poverty—the most terrible of sufferings. Our teachers said: If all afflictions in the world were assembled on one side of the scale and poverty on the other, poverty would outweigh them all. Exodus Rabbah, Mishpatim 31:14

I'm on my way to Jewish Family Services (where they have been nice) but I had this notion.

Yesterday I applied for welfare. Was it demeaning? Yes. But surprisingly no more demeaning than trying to get through US customs. I'm single, female, with a dodgy record regarding money, and of course, I will fall for the first terrorist that pays me heed or makes me swoon. Yah. I am that dumb and desperate.

Back to now. You would think that emunah, i.e., faith in G-d, would be a real challenge. For me, who is looking at homelessness, still, it's not even a question. I have experienced G-d's miracle, the one that let's you see G-d's glory everywhere, seen the delights of G-d's world. G-d exists, is real, so emunah is not really a question for me. It's a done deal.

As for trust in G-d. Well, that's up in the air and that is what this experiment is all about. Here I am, on the verge of declaring bankruptcy, and being homeless. So, the question is, does G-d actually have a "mighty hand"? Is He the champion of our prayers? Does He swashbuckle his way through history when He so chooses?

I have been mollified and comforted with the words of people who speak about miracles. That- actually, wildly and desperately, gives me hope. But in the meantime....

Let's just wait and see. Will report back.

Some Religious Jews and Their Bullshit

Oh, the great god Judaism. Excuse me for a clear eyed view of some.

This is what I wrote to the local rabbi who knows me and whose shul I attended and still volunteer from, and we worked together recently for Habitat for Humanity, (though I am not sure my rav z'l, LARabbi™, I am sad to say, would have done any better).

I emailed this, this morning:

Dear Rabbi,

This is hard to write. For the past few years I have been living below the poverty line. Through resourcefulness, some jobs and the help of my friends I have managed to make it this far. I have not been able to find a decent job and/or one that gives me a living wage.
Currently, I just took a job at a deli (not a lot of hours yet) starting today; I balked at going to welfare, though I managed to get as far as the bus stop. The job at the deli may not work out because he wants someone long term, and I cannot stay there permanently where I have to live hand to mouth.

As it stands now, I have a little over $100 in the bank. I have no means for paying rent or bills for the coming weeks (the rent situation I cannot discuss with (my landlady)- would rather die- let's just say I would never have stayed here if I had had the means to get out, and as far as she's concerned I have "no rights as a tenant"), cannot afford medicine and am considering the food bank. I have been living off my friends' tzedakah for the last couple of months [and I might add, an amazing angel from the web]. I have been job hunting for 3 months with no results. My last interview, last week, was for housecleaning. Though they said I was a "strong candidate", I did not get the job. I am beside myself now- if I can't even get a cleaning job, what are my chances in this world????

I am in dire need of help. As you can imagine, this is a terrible, humiliating state to find oneself in. I never imagined it would happen to me.

I hope to hear from you soon.

I phoned him this morning to point out my email, according to his direction. He left a voice mail while I was working and this is what he said:

I can only give you a couple of hundred dollars. I suggest the Jewish loan society; or Jewish social services.

Please phone me and tell me what I can do for you.

Freaking hellooooooooo?

A bunch of them are buggering off to an island to "meditate and contemplate" for 3 days this weekend. I need a decent job and I need money to keep me off the streets. What the freaking hell do you not get???????

Judaism is about community? Well, I suppose it is. Just not mine. Heschel talks about "G-d held captive". Well, maybe so, maybe not. It does not help or comfort me. And I am pretty pissed at the idea of G-d held captive. Oh, he has little power. Well, then , to take up the slack, if you are not helping the poor, then what the frig kind of Jew are you???????

You think it's all even, you think that claiming you have no resources is justifiable? You think because I am not a schnorrer then I am less valid, because I don't play that role? You think when I humble myself and ask for help that there is more that I could possibly strip from myself to convince you of my plight and desperation? Do you think I should stand on a bridge and threaten to jump off to get your attention?

My G-d, if Judaism is not about helping the poor, the orphan, the widow, the stranger, then I don't know what the frig this religion is about????? That is what I signed up for. Oh yeah, I forgot- it's about the threat of intermarriage, the laxity of ritual and mitzvot, the philosophy of G-d's presence in the world, the problem of finding a nice Jewish mate, the ideal of community (what a lie) and communal unity, and the rough certainty of bigotry, tribalism and triumphalism.

Such complacency.

I had argued once that Judaism is Jews. I stand by that even more now. In my experience, that Judaism has often sucked. My pious heroes, I know, if they had the means , would rescue me. But unfortunately, they don't have the means. Instead I hear a rabbi preaching about the love of G-d, to soothe you and comfort you. You will find him on the lush island, he will come to you, in meditation and contemplation. He will make you feel good and help you not ignore others. We are all one. He just doesn't have any money or means to keep you from starving and off the streets.

PS. If I do end up without shelter, I will lobby in front of the shul (which is, by the way, in the richest town of this country) with a cardboard sign and shame them all.

Update 08/15: My landlady decided, with "difficulty" to increase my rent for an 8x10 room, with no bathroom privacy (her door connects to the toilet) from 450 to 550. One hundred dollars in increase. I shall be leaving, but in what way, I don't know yet.

My job? He lied. He hedged his bets. I am "in training" for 8 dollars (minimum wage) an hour. I am not working, now. He's waiting for the summer kids to leave. He can't even promise me 40 hours in the future. It was all vague, you understand.

6 Degrees of Ekev

This story involves a sociopath, who was a true heel. Weirdly enough, this psycho was the catalyst for my discovery of Judaism. Fittingly enough, his name was Kevin. I have been fascinated by Ekev ever since.

I looked up translations on the net for the first words of this parsha. This is what I found: Ekev means because; Ekev means if; V’hayah Ekev means if only; Ekev means in the wake of; Ekev means as a result of; Ekev means if you do.

What speaks to me though is while Ekev here means only, in other parts of the Torah it means heel; and where it is presumed that the word Ekev literally means heel, "on the heel of certain behavior good things will happen".

I remember Jacob grabbing the heel of his twin, Esau, when they were coming into this world. Commentators say that Jacob did it so that he could be firstborn and claim the birthright. Well, he got it later, but with much deception for which he paid a high price.

You know, Esau was Jacob's twin and I love him for it. He got royally screwed later on, and I felt for him. Okay, he was not the brightest of bulbs, but he loved his father and his father loved him and though the reasons seem less than high minded, why should that matter? Jacob later paid dearly to fulfill his G-d-given destiny. Don't we all.

In the parsha, Moses recounts the Israelites' testing. But what stands out for me is the fact that being chosen has nothing to do with your virtue. Nothing to do with your high mindedness. It has to do with the fact that G-d cannot stand, it seems, the wickedness of others which seems greater than anything darkly potential in your soul because you are covenanted with G-d. And, G-d cannot stand, the wickedness done to you which must be so much darker than anything you are capable of, because you are bound to G-d. So, G-d clears a way.

The ex-slaves of Mitzrayim (Egypt) suffered privation, and were hip to a rainstorm of abundance. And also were more than scared that it would all disappear, in the blink of an eye. Who is this G-d, they ask themselves. I give those ex-slaves credit for asking the question. Ekev- if you do, if only , because, in the wake of, as a result of, on the heel of.

Well, of course it is my question too.

I remember Kevin because maybe he was my bashert twin, the dark side of the coin. He showed me the glory of Judaism but from his side, it was all a lie in the end. Talk about deception. He wasn't Jewish, and he was a pathological liar and a con artist who left an enormous amount of damage in his wake wherever he alighted. But he sent me Kaddish, which opened up worlds for me. He was a heel of the first order, a heel I grabbed onto at first. But "good things happened".

Speaking of "heels" and my barefoot status (do I have a foot fetish that I don't know about?). I found wisdom here:

It is very easy for us to do all the big mitzvos while we insulate ourselves completely from showing gratitude, love and feeling the pain of the stranger. To this the Torah says take off your shoes. The heel is one of the most sensitive parts of our body. Take off your shoes and feel where you came from, your surroundings and where you are going.

The Mitzvah of Eikev is to exercise our sensitivity and keep our feelings healthy. Try to imagine what it feels like to be hungry and then feed the poor. Imagine what it feels like to be alone, and then make a shiduch. Think about what it would feel like to be disabled and than go visit the sick. Eikev Tishmiun, if you can listen and feel, than G-d too will feel our pain "veshamar habris vehachesed shenishba liavosecha." (My experience is that G-d is moved, but that may not translate into all goodness, and kindness and mercy.)

Before Moshe approached the holy ground he took off his shoes. Before the Kohein walks into the Holy of Holies he takes off his shoes. On Yom Kippur and Tisha B'Av we take off our shoes. Before we walk into marriage, parenting or a life of mitzvos we too must take off our shoes and then be blessed with the blessings of the Torah "I will Love you, multiply your offspring and sustain you forever".

Well, as of this writing, I am skeptical about promises, yet live in hope of blessing. And I do understand the necessity of being stripped bare when approaching G-d. And maybe G-d does clear a path at some critical juncture, in the wake of unrelieved wickedness. Because.